Big Fat Friendly Brown Squirrels

Squirrel. Sciurus carolinensis. Sciurus griseus. Sciurus niger.

Here in Ann Arbor we have a lot of them. We had a bunch in Ferndale too, but they were different: sometimes black, sometimes dark brown, always athletic and active. Fast little things. Ann Arbor squirrels are big, fat, light brown and friendly.

Ferndale squirrels are mean. So mean that they pushed the big, fat, light brown ones right out of the entire region. Evidently they won the war. My mom told me about this when she visited a month or so ago. She also pointed out the huge nests way up in the trees in my yard. I thought these were birds' nests. Big birds. I was wrong.

So the friendly brown squirrels, Fox Squirrels, are disappearing throughout Michigan and have been for a long time now. For whatever reason, the smaller, black and dark brown ones, the Eastern Gray Squirrels, haven't made it out to Ann Arbor yet.

But they could be on their way--a few days ago, I think I saw a little dark brown one scurrying up a tall pine. There's no way a Fox Squirrel could move that fast, especially in the winter, when they weigh nearly as much as a cat or small dog. This could spell the inevitable end for the big friendly squirrels of Ann Arbor.

Now when I say Ann Arbor squirrels are friendly I don't mean they crawl up to me and want to cuddle. I mean that they don't hiss at you like Ferndale squirrels. A low hiss, like a growl almost, whenever you get near. Fox Squirrels don't seem to do that. They're perfectly content to sit up in their huge nests, not disturbing anybody or anything. I don't even see them picking through garbage like those damned Ferndale squirrels.

The little dark mean squirrels act like meth-heads. The big fat friendly brown squirrels act like pot-heads.

DOWN WITH THE LITTLE DARK MEAN SQUIRRELS!