A Short Play

I write a lot of plays. Here's a short one I recently finished.

"LOVE, RANDY"

KATIE sits at a table, cutting coupons.

CHARLIE walks in, carrying a briefcase.


KATIE
How was work today?

CHARLIE
Busy.

(He sets down the briefcase, sits down at the table. He picks up part of a newspaper, starts reading.)

KATIE
Same as always?

CHARLIE
That’s right. No, no, I take that back. Something strange happened today. Fred, he wore a pink shirt in to work.

KATIE
Fred. Wheel of Fortune Fred?

CHARLIE
That’s Price is Right Fred. And no, not him.

KATIE
Sales Fred?

CHARLIE
You’re thinking of Fred Gregory. This Fred’s in HR. “Old Fred.”

KATIE
I don’t remember any HR Fred. How old is he?

CHARLIE
That’s because he never comes to the party. You’ve never met him.

KATIE
A pink shirt?

CHARLIE
Yes. Pink.

(He starts looking through the ad section of the newspaper.)

CHARLIE
Now here’s a nice blue sweater.

KATIE
Are you thinking of going to O’Flaherty’s tonight?

CHARLIE
You know, I think I’m staying in.

KATIE
Do you have plans tonight?

CHARLIE
No. No plans
(pause)
Why? Do you have plans?

KATIE
I was thinking of maybe going grocery shopping later.

CHARLIE
(looking at paper)
They say here that space travel, leisurely space travel, it will become considerably more affordable these next few years.

KATIE
Oh...

CHARLIE
What do you think about maybe going to outer space together?

KATIE
Well, I don’t know. What about Paris, Charlie?

CHARLIE
What about it?

KATIE
I thought we were thinking about visiting Paris or London in a few years.

CHARLIE
Paris? Now tell me, where is the adventure in Paris? Name one person you know who’s taken a space vacation.

KATIE
I don’t think we could afford to go on a space vacation, Charlie.

CHARLIE
Maybe I’ll just go.

(He stands up.)

KATIE
Are you going to O’Flaherty’s?

CHARLIE
To space. I’ve decided.

(He walks off. Katie continues to cut coupons.)

KATIE
I wonder how long he’ll be gone.

(Charlie returns with a shoebox, sits down at the table, opens the box. He takes out a few stacks of baseball cards.)

KATIE
What are those?

CHARLIE
My old baseball cards. If I’m going up into space, I’m going to have to sell a few things around here.

KATIE
None of my things.

CHARLIE
(looking through box)
I should be able to get, well, something for these.

KATIE
I didn’t know you collected baseball cards.

(Charlie looks at a photo he’s found in the box. He turns over the photo and finds an inscription.)

CHARLIE
“Love, Randy.”

KATIE
Hm?

CHARLIE
Randy. “Love, Randy.” Do you know a Randy?

KATIE
No, I don’t think so. No. Why?

CHARLIE
That’s what’s written here.
(holding up photo for her to see)
Do you know this guy?

KATIE
(squinting at photo)
No...Do you know him?

CHARLIE
I’m telling you right now...I’m warning you, if you know this person, this Randy--if you’ve ever known anyone named Randy, in any way whatsoever--you’d better be truthful to me about it.
(pause)
Well?

KATIE
Well, maybe I--

CHARLIE
I knew it.

KATIE
Maybe I once knew someone who went by that name. Very, very briefly, mind you. She lived down the hall from me. We’d have coffee once in a while, talk together about all sorts of things. We both liked musicals. We saw “The Wiz” together. But it wasn’t exactly love between us, Charlie.

CHARLIE
He.

KATIE
Hm?

CHARLIE
It’s a he in this picture.

KATIE
Well, you know, she never did give me a picture of herself.

(She laughs a little.)

CHARLIE
What’s so funny?

KATIE
It’s nothing...it’s just she wasn’t the most photogenic girl in the world.

CHARLIE
Enough. What I want to know is, how did this get in here? I know that I don’t know a Randy.

KATIE
I don’t know. Maybe Carla knew a Randy.

CHARLIE
Carla? She never mentioned any Randy to me.
(looks at photo)
Besides, why would Carla leave her photo in with my things?

KATIE
You lived together once, didn’t you?

CHARLIE
That was quite a long time ago. No, this isn’t that old. Actually, it looks pretty new to me.

KATIE
I wonder how Carla’s doing these days.

CHARLIE
Don’t change topics. I want to know where this thing came from.

KATIE
I’m sorry, but I can’t help you.
(stands up)
I wish I could. But I just can’t.
(starts to walk away)
What do you think we should have for dinner tonight, Charlie?

CHARLIE
Stop right there.

(She keeps going.)

CHARLIE
Stop!

(She stops.)

CHARLIE
There’s something wrong here. There’s definitely something to this. I can tell, you know. You’re not fooling me.

KATIE
Charlie--

CHARLIE
No, now turn around.

(She slowly turns around.)

KATIE
Yes?

CHARLIE
Walk back to the table.

(After a pause, Katie walks back to the table.)

CHARLIE
Sit down.

(Katie hides her face in her hands.)

CHARLIE
Sit!

(She sits down.)

CHARLIE
Take away your hands.
(pause)
Katie...Look at me.

(She takes away her hands.)

CHARLIE
You’re not even crying.

KATIE
I can’t.

CHARLIE
Pathetic. You’re pathetic, you know that?

KATIE
It’s not mine, Charlie. I’m telling you the truth.

CHARLIE
Then it made it in here by itself. By magic--that’s what you’re telling me.

KATIE
Maybe someone broke in and put it in there. As a sort of trademark or something. Remember when we had our TV stolen a few years ago?

CHARLIE
Listen--I am going to sit here and hold my breath in until you tell me.

KATIE
Charlie...

(Charlie holds his breath.)

KATIE
I’m sure there’s an explanation. Maybe, let’s see, maybe he’s a baseball player. Maybe that picture is worth something. People do collect autographs of baseball players, you know. Did you check to see if he looks like anybody on any of your baseball cards?

(He continues to hold his breath.)

KATIE
Wait, I know, maybe someone put it in there as a joke. Like Richard. Or J.P.--he was always playing practical jokes on you, wasn’t he, putting pink shirts and pink flowers in your drawers and closet and things like that? Didn’t you say once that J.P. and Richard and everybody used to joke about how you might be, you know...homosexual?

(He lets out his breath.)

CHARLIE
Know what? Forget about it.

(He rips up the photo. Katie starts to cry softly. He sits there and watches her cry for a few seconds, then he stands up. He starts to slowly walk away.)

KATIE
Where are you going?

CHARLIE
Space. Outer space.

(He exits. A moment later, he returns.)

CHARLIE
Tacos. Soft tacos. With refried beans. That’s what I want for dinner.

(He exits again. Pause. Katie stands up, walks off in the other direction. Lights fade out.)


END OF PLAY