Monday, April 19, 2010

Billy Jack vs. Dolemite--Who Wins?

The two toughest movie heroes meet on a dark, dirty, crime-infested city street. This street can only hold one deliverer of hope and justice, and a battle to the death ensues--Who Will Win this War will be determined by 4 skill sets: Hand-to-hand combat; Weapons skills; Shit-talking/threat deliverance; Luck/Magic/Outside help.


HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT:
DOLEMITE
Dolemite seems to know karate and uses crude yet powerful hand chops and side kicks to take on three, then two white cop opponents. His strength here lies in sudden outbursts of attack, going from smooth cold hate to flash fire frenzy in less than a heartbeat.

Here are some pics of Dolemite in action:



BILLY JACK
It takes at least ten men to physically take down Billy Jack. He has real karate training, even more real than Dolemite. His karate chops are faster, and his kicks are unrivaled. Like Dolemite, B.J. relies on sudden outbursts of vengeful rage, outbursts that, in the end, are even more deadly than Dolemite's.

Billy Jack at work:




ADVANTAGE: BILLY JACK

WEAPONS SKILLS:
DOLEMITE
Dolemite is a master of high-calibre machine guns. See him and one of his victims:



BILLY JACK
Billy Jack is an ace rifleman and doesn't miss an opportunity to test his abilities. We must assume, I suppose, that he's proficient in many weapon types since he does, after all, have military experience.


ADVANTAGE: DOLEMITE Since we really have no evidence showing Billy Jack with anything other than rifle expertise, Dolemite and his machine gun come out on top.

SHIT-TALKING/THREAT DELIVERANCE:
DOLEMITE
Between the two masters of making threats I think Billy Jack is a somewhat superior deliverer, but when it comes to shit-talking, Dolemite shines. That gives him the advantage here.
Billy Jacks threatens Mr. Stuart Posner and his crew of thugs, then Billy Jack threatens Bernard Posner and Dinosaur, then Billy Jack threatens Bernard again after finding him with a 13 year old:


DOLEMITE
I will let the pictures do the talking here:



ADVANTAGE: DOLEMITE

LUCK/MAGIC/OUTSIDE HELP:
BILLY JACK
It's here that Billy Jack rules supreme. He is part Indian and has undergone many ancient tribal rituals. He carries a holy medicine bag. Also, he has the help of the kids of the Freedom School to aid him, and he has Jean and her love for him.

Some of the kids:

Billy Jack with his medicine bag, long after he has been shot in the stomach.


DOLEMITE
Here Dolemite has Queen Bee's girls, trained in Kung-Fu, to back him up. They are also prostitutes. Or dancers.



ADVANTAGE: BILLY JACK

OVERALL WINNER: BILLY JACK
His magical Indian heritage really puts him over the top. In a modestly fair fight, Billy Jack would beat Dolemite.

4 comments:

  1. Dolemite is very giving. I didn't consider that.

    ReplyDelete
  2. @ Demo: Dolemite was getting out of jail in that pic and his beotches were bringing him clothes. But one made the mistake of bringing him cotton drawers, and got reprimanded for it. LOL!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ian, Dolemite was one of the baddest shit talkers and threat makers of all time! You definitely have that one wrong.

    He once told Willie Green that he had 24 hrs to comply and 23 were already gone. In Petey Wheatstraw, he also talked shit and threatened the devil. You cant get more badass than that.

    ReplyDelete
  4. You know, I just reread that part--Billy Jack is mistakenly named as the winner of Shit Talking/Threat Deliverance. So I will have to change that right now.
    PS. Petey Wheatstraw is not Dolemite.

    ReplyDelete

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Ann Arbor, MI, United States