Henri's new haircut

Billy Jack vs. Dolemite--Who Wins?

The two toughest movie heroes meet on a dark, dirty, crime-infested city street. This street can only hold one deliverer of hope and justice, and a battle to the death ensues--Who Will Win this War will be determined by 4 skill sets: Hand-to-hand combat; Weapons skills; Shit-talking/threat deliverance; Luck/Magic/Outside help.


HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT:
DOLEMITE
Dolemite seems to know karate and uses crude yet powerful hand chops and side kicks to take on three, then two white cop opponents. His strength here lies in sudden outbursts of attack, going from smooth cold hate to flash fire frenzy in less than a heartbeat.

Here are some pics of Dolemite in action:



BILLY JACK
It takes at least ten men to physically take down Billy Jack. He has real karate training, even more real than Dolemite. His karate chops are faster, and his kicks are unrivaled. Like Dolemite, B.J. relies on sudden outbursts of vengeful rage, outbursts that, in the end, are even more deadly than Dolemite's.

Billy Jack at work:




ADVANTAGE: BILLY JACK

WEAPONS SKILLS:
DOLEMITE
Dolemite is a master of high-calibre machine guns. See him and one of his victims:



BILLY JACK
Billy Jack is an ace rifleman and doesn't miss an opportunity to test his abilities. We must assume, I suppose, that he's proficient in many weapon types since he does, after all, have military experience.


ADVANTAGE: DOLEMITE Since we really have no evidence showing Billy Jack with anything other than rifle expertise, Dolemite and his machine gun come out on top.

SHIT-TALKING/THREAT DELIVERANCE:
DOLEMITE
Between the two masters of making threats I think Billy Jack is a somewhat superior deliverer, but when it comes to shit-talking, Dolemite shines. That gives him the advantage here.
Billy Jacks threatens Mr. Stuart Posner and his crew of thugs, then Billy Jack threatens Bernard Posner and Dinosaur, then Billy Jack threatens Bernard again after finding him with a 13 year old:


DOLEMITE
I will let the pictures do the talking here:



ADVANTAGE: DOLEMITE

LUCK/MAGIC/OUTSIDE HELP:
BILLY JACK
It's here that Billy Jack rules supreme. He is part Indian and has undergone many ancient tribal rituals. He carries a holy medicine bag. Also, he has the help of the kids of the Freedom School to aid him, and he has Jean and her love for him.

Some of the kids:

Billy Jack with his medicine bag, long after he has been shot in the stomach.


DOLEMITE
Here Dolemite has Queen Bee's girls, trained in Kung-Fu, to back him up. They are also prostitutes. Or dancers.



ADVANTAGE: BILLY JACK

OVERALL WINNER: BILLY JACK
His magical Indian heritage really puts him over the top. In a modestly fair fight, Billy Jack would beat Dolemite.

Why I think Billy Jack is the greatest movie ever made

So you think Avatar is the greatest movie ever made. No? Something by Luchino Visconti? Slumdog Millionaire? 2001: A Space Odyssey?

I disagree with you. A little movie from 1971 is the greatest movie ever made. This movie is Billy Jack. And here is why this, Billy Jack, is the greatest movie ever made:

1) Tom Laughlin: T.L. wrote and directed Billy Jack but did you know he was also the star in Robert Altman's directorial debut, played Socrates in a 1991 TV movie and Billy Jack in three other inferior movies? Not Chuck Norris--not even Charles Bronson would be right in the role of Billy Jack. Tom Laughlin IS Billy Jack, and he could take Norris and Bronson on at the same time. And I do realize Charles Bronson is dead.

2) The song by the little girl: I almost came to tears when I heard the little girl sing her song. I say almost because like Billy Jack I never cry.

3) Unrealized love of B.J. and Jean Roberts: Have you ever been in love and for whatever reason or circumstance it never comes to fruition? I have. I've been down that road and it hurts. Like getting kicked in the face by Billy Jack.

Now Jean and Billy love each other, but it's sort of on the down low, a beautiful down low thing, left unsaid, and, unfortunately, unacted upon. But this makes it all the more powerful for me. Not until the very end do we hear Jean tell B.J. that she loves him, and even then Billy avoids the exact declaration in return. But Jean knows. And then B.J. goes to jail and the movie is over.

4) I hope I didn't ruin the end for you there. The fourth and last thing that makes Billy Jack so awesome and probably the singlemost greatest movie is Billy Jack's hat. Next Halloween I'm going to be Billy Jack and I'm hoping to find a hat, jean jacket and medicine bag just like his.

Billy Jack can takes thousands of snake bites, mob beat-downs and bullets and not even flinch or change expression. He has lines of dialogue only previously approached by Dolemite. He is kind of like a white Dolemite minus the funky ass bitches and flashy clothes and rhymes. Bad people fear him, the close-minded hate him, and all children, Indians, hippies, and downtrodden minorities everywhere love him. He is their protector. If you are kind, he will die for you. If you suffer injustice, he will kill for you. He is the greatest.

Please see the official website of Billy Jack and read the open letter from Delores Taylor and Tom Laughlin (Jean and B.J.) detailing how they "are setting out to make the most powerful anti-hate film ever made...at the same time one of the most inspirational love stories - actually five love stories in one...by making not only a sequel unlike any sequel ever made, but a feature film unlike any ever made...revealing the root cause and psychological underpinnings of all prejudice and hatred – racial, ethnic, religious, political, gender and sexual orientation also revealing an exciting effective new way to end prejudice and hatred – a tool that each of us can use to discover what unconscious prejudices we have and eliminate them ... combined with fundamental social and political reforms over 80% of Americans want, combined with five magnificent love stories."

This movie will be called "Billy Jack & Jean." Also notice Tom Laughlin's rants on politics and the Academy Awards, his many analyses of Carl Jung, and his plans for a Billy Jack TV series; enter the Billy Jack chatroom; volunteer to help or donate money to the new "Billy Jack & Jean"; send Tom an email; or join forces with Billy Jack and the 5x5 Club to change the world.

UPDATE--See pic below to get the gist of what Tom Laughlin's been like for a long, long time.

Snake

I made this from cardboard, faded construction paper and some homely US general from a Desert Storm Coalition for Peace trading card.

See the latest addition to Wikileaks for a look at other snakes, scoundrels and piles of shit within the US Armed Forces at work (or play?).

Reese's Dark

The upcoming Reese's Light ad tie-in with the NCAA Frozen Four will feature two white guys playing ice hockey.