This being the week following Halloween, there's a lot of unopened candy in the grass and on the ground around my neighborhood, intentionally dropped or not. The organic gummybears I found the other day probably fall into the former category.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Organic Gummybears
This being the week following Halloween, there's a lot of unopened candy in the grass and on the ground around my neighborhood, intentionally dropped or not. The organic gummybears I found the other day probably fall into the former category.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Two dimes and a twenty dollar bill
Today I went walking in the park. I went on the short forest walk. There I found a dime, then another, and then a twenty dollar bill. The serial on the bill begins with the letters "IF." Weird.
Henri's Many Names
Henri Grayson
Henri Gray
Henri G.
H.G.
Henrik
Hen-Bo
Hen
Little Hen
Little Boy
Little Lamb
Little Groany
Ronald McDonald
Little Ronald
Cuddlebug
Mr. Sniffles
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
East of Eden - From Snafu Live 1970 {Part 2 of 2}.
Here's East of Eden with "Moth" on French TV in 1970. This track is from their first LP, Mercator Projected, which I found a few days ago and have listened to about 100 times since. This was released before King Crimson's "In the Court of the Crimson King." Unfortunately East of Eden changed into a more jazz-rock outfit afterwards, much like what happened to Soft Machine after "Third." Between 1968 and 1970, they did play shows with, amongst others, Pink Floyd, Soft Machine, Van der Graaf Generator, King Crimson, Arthur Brown, Caravan, Amon Duul, and Family.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Interesting eBay Find #11,533
Another Weltron radio, this one w/o an 8-track player, and in a style I've never seen before!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
The Head of an Indian
I found this head in an antiques mall in Alpena, Michigan. It is life-size and weighs about ten pounds.
His new home.
His new home.
Smokes in the Sky
A little more than a week ago, the Saturday of the U Mich/U Conn game, a plane wrote a big "M" and a big "BLUE" in the sky. There were two "M"s, actually, floating over Ann Arbor and all the college students, football fans, and organically-inclined, irritated-by-the-football-game folks below.
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
A Big Box of Pennies
A couple days ago, someone left a tremendously heavy box on my porch. First I thought it might be full of nails, or nuts and bolts; but no--it's a box of pennies. I've counted out 5000 or so, so far, and I'm guessing there's still about 15,000 left.
Weird thing is, there isn't one penny newer than 1982, though there are some Canadian pennies from the 90's. And I've only found two wheatbacks...Oh well, I'm taking the first 5000 or so to a Coinstar machine later today.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Some Science Fiction Authors
Here are some portraits of some sci-fi authors I admire. Next I want to do Robert Heinlein, then Philip Jose Farmer, Norman Spinrad, and Philip K. Dick.
Clifford Simak
John Brunner
Samuel R. Delany
Theodore Sturgeon
Clifford Simak
John Brunner
Samuel R. Delany
Theodore Sturgeon
Monday, August 23, 2010
I wrote this play in 3 hours
I had a submission deadline for tonight, 11:59pm or prior. Finished at around 11:30.
Meditation, flashers, floating hotdogs--it's all here. Oh, and it's lame but the "theme" had to be "feast" and the line "I can't remember the last time we were all together" had to be included.
A FAMILY REUNION
Lights up on a man sitting on the stage floor, Indian style. This is TRAVIS, and he is dressed in dirty jeans, no shirt, with long hair and a headband around his forehead. He appears to be meditating. Another man, STEVEN, walks on, in handcuffs, followed closely by a POLICE OFFICER. Steven wears cut-off jean shorts and a dirty t-shirt. The police officer leads him next to Travis, takes off the handcuffs.
POLICE OFFICER
Take a seat.
(Steven sits. The police officer goes off. Steven looks around, then looks at Travis, who, oblivious to Steven’s stares, keeps meditating.)
STEVEN
Travis? Is that you?
(Travis meditates.)
STEVEN
It’s me, Travis. It’s me Steven.
(Travis’s eyes blink open. He takes a deep breath.)
TRAVIS
Uncle Steven? Is that you?
STEVEN
It’s me, Travis.
TRAVIS
(looks at Steven)
It is you. You were in my dream just now. My meditation dream. We were out fishing together.
STEVEN
Did we catch anything?
TRAVIS
No, but there was a beautiful girl down at the end of the pier, just standing there all by herself. Just beautiful. Wavy blonde hair. She kept on flashing us.
STEVEN
A flasher? You don’t say.
TRAVIS
Every time we looked over, she’d open up this long fur coat she had on, just open it right up and show us the goods.
STEVEN
How’d the goods look?
TRAVIS
Fantastic.
STEVEN
I wish I could’ve been there with you.
TRAVIS
You were there, man. Believe me.
STEVEN
How long you been in here, Travis?
TRAVIS
Since the day before yesterday, I think.
STEVEN
Alone all that time?
TRAVIS
No, there was a drunk in here the first night. Had a pint of Evan Williams with him. Wouldn’t share, though.
STEVEN
Bastard. Must’ve been pretty lonely.
TRAVIS
I’ve been meditating most of the time. And the guard’s not too bad a guy. You know what time it is?
STEVEN
Clock out there showed just past five when I got in here.
TRAVIS
They’ll be serving dinner soon.
STEVEN
How’s the food?
TRAVIS
About good enough for a farm animal, maybe.
STEVEN
Damn.
TRAVIS
That’s what I say.
STEVEN
Hey, you think you could teach me to do some of that meditating? I wouldn’t mind getting a look at that flasher you told me about.
TRAVIS
Well, first thing is you have to be sitting like I’m sitting.
(With some difficulty, Steven sits Indian style.)
STEVEN
Okay.
TRAVIS
Now take a deep breath.
(Steven takes a deep breath. So does Travis.)
TRAVIS
Now close your eyes.
(They both close their eyes.)
STEVEN
Closed.
TRAVIS
Try to clear your head. Clear it of all thoughts. Wipe it clean and imagine a small black dot, a tiny dot about ten feet off in front of you.
STEVEN
Like a target?
TRAVIS
Just like a target. You need to focus everything in you on that target.
(They focus on their targets.)
TRAVIS
Now take another deep breath.
(They both take a deep breath.)
TRAVIS
And focus. Clear, focus.
(They both fall into a meditative trance. After a moment or two, BILL, COCO, KIM, AMBER, and KEVIN, all handcuffed, walk on, followed by the police officer, who leads them next to Travis and Steven.)
BILL
Steven?
KIM
Is that Travis?
POLICE OFFICER
(taking off Amber’s handcuffs)
Be quiet.
BILL
I know these guys.
POLICE OFFICER
I don’t care who you know. Just be quiet.
(He finishes with Amber, starts on Kim.)
COCO
They asleep?
POLICE OFFICER
(stops)
What did I just tell your buddy there?
COCO
He’s my brother, not my buddy.
POLICE OFFICER
Shut the hell up.
COCO
(points at Steven)
And he’s my half-brother.
AMBER
(points at Travis)
And that one there’s my nephew.
(The officer takes out his night stick, brandishes it.)
COCO
Yes, officer.
(The officer finishes with Kim, starts on Coco. He finishes, starts on Bill, then Kevin. Then he stops, points to the right of Travis and Steven.)
POLICE OFFICER
(to Kim and Amber)
You two, you sit over there.
(Kim and Amber sit down next to Travis and Steven. The officer finishes with Kevin’s cuffs.)
POLICE OFFICER
(to Bill and Coco)
You three gentlemen sit down on the other side.
COCO
Yes, officer.
BILL
Yes, thank you, officer.
(They sit down to the left of Travis and Steven. The police officer walks off. Kevin moves a few feet away from the others, who look at Travis and Steven. Bill waves his hand in front of Steven’s face. Kim waves her hand in front of Travis’s face.)
KIM
Nothing.
COCO
They might be drugged up or something.
BILL
Imagine that, all of us here in this cell at the very same time.
AMBER
I can’t remember the last time we all were together.
COCO
It’s a sign!
BILL
Of what?
KIM
Maybe something’s telling us we need to change our ways a little.
AMBER
Change? If we’d changed any, we wouldn’t all be together right now.
COCO
It’s a miracle! It’s a family reunion miracle!
(They all cheer. Travis and Steven suddenly open their eyes. The others stop cheering.)
STEVEN
I didn’t see her.
TRAVIS
What did you see?
STEVEN
A hotdog. A floating hotdog.
TRAVIS
Wow. Not bad.
(notices the others)
Uncle Bill and Coco?
STEVEN
(to Amber and Kim)
What are you two doing here?
(Before they can answer, the police officer returns, wheeling in a cart with trays of food.)
POLICE OFFICER
Dinner time.
(He gives each inmate a tray, then wheels the cart off.)
STEVEN
(holding up a hotdog from his tray)
The floating one had mustard on it.
COCO
(going through his pockets)
Good thing I carry some extra packets with me.
(He finds a few packets, hands them to Steven.)
COCO
There you are.
STEVEN
Thanks, Coco.
(squirts mustard on his dog)
Anybody else need some?
KIM
I could use one, Steven.
(Steven passes her the remaining packets.)
BILL
Got any ketchup there?
KIM
Nope, just mustard.
BILL
Oh well.
COCO
Not bad. These beans are hot, at least. And there’s plenty of them.
KIM
I could use something to drink.
(Amber takes out a pint of whiskey, hands it to Kim.)
AMBER
Today’s your lucky day.
KIM
I guess it is.
(She takes a drink, hands it back to Amber, who takes a drink, then passes it over to Steven.)
STEVEN
Why thank you.
(He drinks. Eventually everyone drinks except Kevin, who sits off by himself, eating in silence.)
TRAVIS
(noticing Kevin)
Who’s he?
BILL
(turning to look at Kevin)
Him? I don’t know.
KEVIN
Kevin. Name’s Kevin.
BILL
Come on over, Kevin. Everyone’s welcome in our little feast here.
(Kevin brings his tray over, sits down next to Bill and Coco.)
KEVIN
(takes out small bag of chips)
I’ve got some chips here if anybody wants some.
(He opens the bag, takes a few, passes the bag to Bill.)
BILL
(taking some chips)
That’s very generous of you.
(He passes the bag to Coco. Everyone ends up taking a few chips.)
AMBER
They’re a little crushed up.
BILL
Be grateful you even got any, Amber.
KIM
(takes out a small bag of Skittles.)
I’ve got some candy for dessert.
(They pass around the Skittles. They eat. Pretty soon everyone’s done eating.)
BILL
What are you in for, Travis?
TRAVIS
Possession of what’s called “hallucinogens.”
BILL
Huh...You by any chance have any more those?
TRAVIS
As a matter of fact, I do.
(He takes a bit of foil from under his headband, opens it up, puts a tiny bit of paper in his mouth.)
BILL
What’s that?
TRAVIS
(crawling over to Amber)
The hallucinogens.
(He goes down the line, places a bit of paper in each mouth.)
AMBER
What do we do now?
TRAVIS
We wait.
(Everyone watches Travis as he sits Indian-style, breathes in deeply, and closes his eyes. Then they all do the same. Everyone meditates and waits as the lights fade out.)
Meditation, flashers, floating hotdogs--it's all here. Oh, and it's lame but the "theme" had to be "feast" and the line "I can't remember the last time we were all together" had to be included.
A FAMILY REUNION
Lights up on a man sitting on the stage floor, Indian style. This is TRAVIS, and he is dressed in dirty jeans, no shirt, with long hair and a headband around his forehead. He appears to be meditating. Another man, STEVEN, walks on, in handcuffs, followed closely by a POLICE OFFICER. Steven wears cut-off jean shorts and a dirty t-shirt. The police officer leads him next to Travis, takes off the handcuffs.
POLICE OFFICER
Take a seat.
(Steven sits. The police officer goes off. Steven looks around, then looks at Travis, who, oblivious to Steven’s stares, keeps meditating.)
STEVEN
Travis? Is that you?
(Travis meditates.)
STEVEN
It’s me, Travis. It’s me Steven.
(Travis’s eyes blink open. He takes a deep breath.)
TRAVIS
Uncle Steven? Is that you?
STEVEN
It’s me, Travis.
TRAVIS
(looks at Steven)
It is you. You were in my dream just now. My meditation dream. We were out fishing together.
STEVEN
Did we catch anything?
TRAVIS
No, but there was a beautiful girl down at the end of the pier, just standing there all by herself. Just beautiful. Wavy blonde hair. She kept on flashing us.
STEVEN
A flasher? You don’t say.
TRAVIS
Every time we looked over, she’d open up this long fur coat she had on, just open it right up and show us the goods.
STEVEN
How’d the goods look?
TRAVIS
Fantastic.
STEVEN
I wish I could’ve been there with you.
TRAVIS
You were there, man. Believe me.
STEVEN
How long you been in here, Travis?
TRAVIS
Since the day before yesterday, I think.
STEVEN
Alone all that time?
TRAVIS
No, there was a drunk in here the first night. Had a pint of Evan Williams with him. Wouldn’t share, though.
STEVEN
Bastard. Must’ve been pretty lonely.
TRAVIS
I’ve been meditating most of the time. And the guard’s not too bad a guy. You know what time it is?
STEVEN
Clock out there showed just past five when I got in here.
TRAVIS
They’ll be serving dinner soon.
STEVEN
How’s the food?
TRAVIS
About good enough for a farm animal, maybe.
STEVEN
Damn.
TRAVIS
That’s what I say.
STEVEN
Hey, you think you could teach me to do some of that meditating? I wouldn’t mind getting a look at that flasher you told me about.
TRAVIS
Well, first thing is you have to be sitting like I’m sitting.
(With some difficulty, Steven sits Indian style.)
STEVEN
Okay.
TRAVIS
Now take a deep breath.
(Steven takes a deep breath. So does Travis.)
TRAVIS
Now close your eyes.
(They both close their eyes.)
STEVEN
Closed.
TRAVIS
Try to clear your head. Clear it of all thoughts. Wipe it clean and imagine a small black dot, a tiny dot about ten feet off in front of you.
STEVEN
Like a target?
TRAVIS
Just like a target. You need to focus everything in you on that target.
(They focus on their targets.)
TRAVIS
Now take another deep breath.
(They both take a deep breath.)
TRAVIS
And focus. Clear, focus.
(They both fall into a meditative trance. After a moment or two, BILL, COCO, KIM, AMBER, and KEVIN, all handcuffed, walk on, followed by the police officer, who leads them next to Travis and Steven.)
BILL
Steven?
KIM
Is that Travis?
POLICE OFFICER
(taking off Amber’s handcuffs)
Be quiet.
BILL
I know these guys.
POLICE OFFICER
I don’t care who you know. Just be quiet.
(He finishes with Amber, starts on Kim.)
COCO
They asleep?
POLICE OFFICER
(stops)
What did I just tell your buddy there?
COCO
He’s my brother, not my buddy.
POLICE OFFICER
Shut the hell up.
COCO
(points at Steven)
And he’s my half-brother.
AMBER
(points at Travis)
And that one there’s my nephew.
(The officer takes out his night stick, brandishes it.)
COCO
Yes, officer.
(The officer finishes with Kim, starts on Coco. He finishes, starts on Bill, then Kevin. Then he stops, points to the right of Travis and Steven.)
POLICE OFFICER
(to Kim and Amber)
You two, you sit over there.
(Kim and Amber sit down next to Travis and Steven. The officer finishes with Kevin’s cuffs.)
POLICE OFFICER
(to Bill and Coco)
You three gentlemen sit down on the other side.
COCO
Yes, officer.
BILL
Yes, thank you, officer.
(They sit down to the left of Travis and Steven. The police officer walks off. Kevin moves a few feet away from the others, who look at Travis and Steven. Bill waves his hand in front of Steven’s face. Kim waves her hand in front of Travis’s face.)
KIM
Nothing.
COCO
They might be drugged up or something.
BILL
Imagine that, all of us here in this cell at the very same time.
AMBER
I can’t remember the last time we all were together.
COCO
It’s a sign!
BILL
Of what?
KIM
Maybe something’s telling us we need to change our ways a little.
AMBER
Change? If we’d changed any, we wouldn’t all be together right now.
COCO
It’s a miracle! It’s a family reunion miracle!
(They all cheer. Travis and Steven suddenly open their eyes. The others stop cheering.)
STEVEN
I didn’t see her.
TRAVIS
What did you see?
STEVEN
A hotdog. A floating hotdog.
TRAVIS
Wow. Not bad.
(notices the others)
Uncle Bill and Coco?
STEVEN
(to Amber and Kim)
What are you two doing here?
(Before they can answer, the police officer returns, wheeling in a cart with trays of food.)
POLICE OFFICER
Dinner time.
(He gives each inmate a tray, then wheels the cart off.)
STEVEN
(holding up a hotdog from his tray)
The floating one had mustard on it.
COCO
(going through his pockets)
Good thing I carry some extra packets with me.
(He finds a few packets, hands them to Steven.)
COCO
There you are.
STEVEN
Thanks, Coco.
(squirts mustard on his dog)
Anybody else need some?
KIM
I could use one, Steven.
(Steven passes her the remaining packets.)
BILL
Got any ketchup there?
KIM
Nope, just mustard.
BILL
Oh well.
COCO
Not bad. These beans are hot, at least. And there’s plenty of them.
KIM
I could use something to drink.
(Amber takes out a pint of whiskey, hands it to Kim.)
AMBER
Today’s your lucky day.
KIM
I guess it is.
(She takes a drink, hands it back to Amber, who takes a drink, then passes it over to Steven.)
STEVEN
Why thank you.
(He drinks. Eventually everyone drinks except Kevin, who sits off by himself, eating in silence.)
TRAVIS
(noticing Kevin)
Who’s he?
BILL
(turning to look at Kevin)
Him? I don’t know.
KEVIN
Kevin. Name’s Kevin.
BILL
Come on over, Kevin. Everyone’s welcome in our little feast here.
(Kevin brings his tray over, sits down next to Bill and Coco.)
KEVIN
(takes out small bag of chips)
I’ve got some chips here if anybody wants some.
(He opens the bag, takes a few, passes the bag to Bill.)
BILL
(taking some chips)
That’s very generous of you.
(He passes the bag to Coco. Everyone ends up taking a few chips.)
AMBER
They’re a little crushed up.
BILL
Be grateful you even got any, Amber.
KIM
(takes out a small bag of Skittles.)
I’ve got some candy for dessert.
(They pass around the Skittles. They eat. Pretty soon everyone’s done eating.)
BILL
What are you in for, Travis?
TRAVIS
Possession of what’s called “hallucinogens.”
BILL
Huh...You by any chance have any more those?
TRAVIS
As a matter of fact, I do.
(He takes a bit of foil from under his headband, opens it up, puts a tiny bit of paper in his mouth.)
BILL
What’s that?
TRAVIS
(crawling over to Amber)
The hallucinogens.
(He goes down the line, places a bit of paper in each mouth.)
AMBER
What do we do now?
TRAVIS
We wait.
(Everyone watches Travis as he sits Indian-style, breathes in deeply, and closes his eyes. Then they all do the same. Everyone meditates and waits as the lights fade out.)
Friday, August 13, 2010
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Saturday, July 31, 2010
More weird audio equipment
Stuff by Weltron was and is awesome, like out of Logan's Run or something. This kind of cranky jack-ass in Australia is selling this crazy system called the GEC 2007. Seems the inside ring of the radio tuner is a glowing green kaleidoscope.
The Weltron 2001 is cool and all, but the 2010 is way cooler. Check this out.
And the "eyes" of the 2010, the FM and AM dials, glow green and red, so you and your special someone can listen in the dark.
The Weltron 2001 is cool and all, but the 2010 is way cooler. Check this out.
And the "eyes" of the 2010, the FM and AM dials, glow green and red, so you and your special someone can listen in the dark.
TNT 8-Track Player
This thing looks pretty awesome. If I had 8-tracks, I might buy it. You press down the plunger to change tracks, the number of which is indicated on the front. The 8-track is inserted into a slot on the side.
Looks like it comes in yellow, too:
...and blue:
Friday, July 30, 2010
A Song - By Vangelis
A poem by Vangelis, from his track "A Song" from the LP "Earth" (1973), a definite precursor to the last track from Blade Runner, a lovely thing, transcribed by me, from me to you, whoever you are.
A SONG
------
I would like to write a song
that is so vibrant
and is so intimate
that the earth would adopt it,
as if it had sprung
like a stream
from the the land's memory,
as if no one had written it
but life itself.
And my song would travel along
from bird
to wing
to tree
to breeze
to heart
to breath
to song
'cause a song belongs to everyone
like the Spring.
Bye Bye Betty
Light on MAN 1 and MAN 2 sitting at a table at center. Both men are middle aged. A closed book sits on the table in front of Man 1.
MAN 1
Columbine.
MAN 2
École Polytechnique, Montreal Canada, December 6th, 1989.
MAN 1
Texas. That sniper.
MAN 2
You’re referring, I think, to the University of Texas, August 1st, 1966.
MAN 1
That’s the one. The guy with the buzz cut, from the tower.
MAN 2
Virginia Tech, April 16th, 2007. I win.
MAN 1
Okay.
(He picks up the book.)
MAN 2
Another. Serial killers. Once again, restricted to North America, please, and in increasing order by number of victims.
MAN 1
(puts down book)
Go.
MAN 2
Dennis Rader, the BTK killer.
MAN 1
The Hillside Strangler.
MAN 2
Stranglers, actually. But very good. Let’s see...Richard
Ramirez, the Night Stalker.
MAN 1
The Boston Strangler?
MAN 2
Same number as Ramirez. Try again.
MAN 1
How about Jeffrey Dahmer?
MAN 2
Mm-hm. John Wayne Gacy. The Killer Clown.
MAN 1
Ted Bundy.
MAN 2
Gary Ridgway, The Green River Killer. I win.
MAN 1
You win. I guess.
MAN 2
What does that mean, “I guess”?
MAN 1
I’m guessing that you know more than I do about serial killers.
MAN 2
Well, now that you bring it up, Ted Bundy claimed to kill more than a hundred, much more than Gary Ridgway or any other American serial killer. But this has not been proven. Ridgway, on the other hand, confessed to seventy one, is suspected of around ninety, and was convicted of forty eight, the most in U.S. history. Now Bundy, he was convicted of thirty five, so really I should have clarified this as a “most proven victims” contest. Want a restart?
MAN 1
I’ll give it to you. You win.
MAN 2
I always win.
MAN 1
(picks up book)
You do, don’t you.
MAN 2
You need to try harder.
MAN 1
(reading)
Hmm?
MAN 2
I said you need to try harder.
MAN 1
No matter how hard I try, you’ll always know a grislier school shooting or a more prolific serial killer.
MAN 2
I guess you’re right.
MAN 1
And why is that?
MAN 2
What?
MAN 1
Why is it that you know so much about these things?
MAN 2
Well it’s simple: whenever I need a little dose of reality, whenever I feel I’m getting a little out of touch, you know, a little soft, I read about them. I look at videos on YouTube. War footage, snipers in action, roadside bombings, F1 racecar crashes of the sixties and seventies, Columbine security camera tapes--they have a lot of this. And it helps. It works, immediately.
MAN 1
Why didn’t you join the military?
MAN 2
What for? To get myself killed?
MAN 1
You seem to like killing.
MAN 2
Listen to me, I have never killed a living breathing thing in my entire life.
MAN 1
That’s surprising.
MAN 2
Can you say the same?
MAN 1
Well, no actually. I admit to killing a bird.
MAN 2
A bird? That’s it?
MAN 1
That one bird has bothered me for almost thirty years now.
MAN 2
Tell me about it.
MAN 1
No, I’d rather not.
MAN 2
Go ahead.
MAN 1
No.
MAN 2
Come on, talking about it will help. How else, after almost thirty years of being bothered by it, as you say, will you be able to finally forgive yourself and move on?
MAN 1
Okay, all right.
MAN 2
Take a deep breath.
(Man 1 takes a deep breath.)
MAN 2
Take your time now. Don’t rush, just let the memories come back to you, let the bird fly back, think back, take a deep breath, and tell me all about what happened.
MAN 1
(takes another deep breath)
First we tried to take down a squirrel--“we” being me and my best friend at the time, Eric.
MAN 2
Do I know him?
MAN 1
I don’t think so. May I continue?
MAN 2
Please.
MAN 1
This proved unsuccessful. We were in my backyard, and we were using my dad’s pellet rifle. I don’t know where my parents were--working probably. The funny thing was, Eric held the stock, while I held the barrel and aimed. And we were right under the thing, maybe seven or eight feet away. It sat up on a wire right above us, and we hit it about ten times, right in the butt. It didn’t move. It didn’t even flinch. I pumped and pumped the gun, we hit it in the butt over and over again, the thing didn’t move, and finally we gave up. We went around the yard looking for something else to shoot at. We spotted the bird, a little brown bird up on another wire, and we crouched down under it, just like we did with the squirrel, Eric holding the stock, me holding the barrel, Eric pulled the trigger, and that shot, the first one, it hit the bird right in the head. We watched it sit on the wire for a few seconds, suspended, frozen, and then it keeled over and dropped into a bush. I remember it up on that wire after we hit it, it’s little eyes closed, never to open again, and I remember how my heart sank. We dropped the gun in the grass. I felt sick. We promised each other we’d never shoot at anything ever again. We’d had enough. The next day I went back to the spot to see if it was still there. I was thinking of burying it. But it was gone. Maybe an animal got it or something. Or maybe my neighbor or one of my parents found it. Maybe they buried it. I’ll never know.
MAN 2
Wow.
MAN 1
You know, talking about it has made me feel a lot better.
MAN 2
Did you ever have an imaginary friend when you were little?
MAN 1
Actually, yes I did.
MAN 2
So did my little sister. Her imaginary friend was named Betty.
MAN 1
Betty.
MAN 2
That’s right. This was her second imaginary friend. The first was Jenna. She moved away. Then Betty showed up. Her and my sister were best friends. They did everything together. They played board games together, they watched movies together, they ran around the yard together, they made imaginary meals together, they ran an imaginary grocery store, an imaginary beauty salon, imaginary lemonade stands, real lemonade stands, Kool-Aid, cookies, cupcakes--you name it. My little sister had a very vivid and active imagination. And so did Betty, supposedly. And so did I at her age--but I never had an imaginary friend. That’s where I drew the line, I guess. I’d have lots of imaginary wars, gun battles, grenades, bazookas--but no imaginary friends.
MAN 1
Mine was named Kermit.
MAN 2
The idea bothered me. Betty bothered me. She was always around, she had her own chair at the kitchen table, and from the way my sister chatted with her all the time, she was very bratty, precocious, and she hated my guts.
MAN 1
Were you mean to her?
MAN 2
I tried to ignore her. Maybe that’s why she hated me so much.
MAN 1
What makes you bring this up, by the way?
MAN 2
I think I saw her recently.
MAN 1
Betty?
MAN 2
In the Salvation Army store. I was browsing the book section, and there she was--
MAN 1
Did she come out of a book?
MAN 2
This isn’t funny. She was about ten feet away, looking at furniture.
MAN 1
Do imaginary friends need things like a couch?
MAN 2
Evidently, yes. She seemed to be interested in a media center.
MAN 1
Now that is absurd.
MAN 2
There’s nothing absurd about it. I stood there staring at her for about fifteen minutes.
MAN 1
And she didn’t notice you staring at her?
MAN 2
I pretended to be reading “The Red Badge of Courage,” but I kept an eye on her.
MAN 1
That’s a pretty good book. Did you buy it?
MAN 2
I thought maybe I was hallucinating.
MAN 1
You probably were.
MAN 2
I’m in perfect health.
MAN 1
Maybe it’s your job. You’re probably just a little stressed out.
MAN 2
I’m perfectly unstressed, my job is perfectly unstressful, and not a single person in my family has ever had a history of hallucinations or any other kind of mental disturbance.
MAN 1
Maybe you ate something funky. Mold can cause hallucinations.
MAN 2
I tell you I saw her!
MAN 1
Okay, you saw her. But how did you know it was her? How did you know what she looks like?
MAN 2
I had a feeling. A very strong feeling.
MAN 1
That it was Betty. Checking out a media center in a Salvation Army.
MAN 2
That it was none other than Betty.
(He stands up, paces around slowly.)
MAN 2
And that’s strange, because I thought I strangled her to death a long time ago.
(Man 1 watches him, unsure what to say.)
MAN 2
Maybe I didn’t kill her. Maybe she survived.
MAN 1
Maybe you should let it go. Your sister--
MAN 2
My sister never recovered. She had another imaginary friend for a bit--I can’t remember her name--but it wasn’t the same. My sister was never the same.
MAN 1
I’m sure she’s forgiven you by now.
MAN 2
I don’t know. I don’t think so.
MAN 1
Betty--she’s probably forgiven you.
MAN 2
I should have tried talking to her. I could have invited her over.
MAN 1
It’s done. Don’t dwell on it. She probably has her own life, different friends, you have your own life, an unstressful job...
MAN 2
I could have apologized.
MAN 1
You told me about it--doesn’t that make you feel a little better?
MAN 2
Worse.
MAN 1
I think it's time you said "bye" to Betty. Just try to let her go.
MAN 2
(sits down)
I’ll try. At least she’s alive.
MAN 1
That’s right. Betty is alive and well, no reason to worry, no reason to feel guilty.
MAN 2
I should call my sister.
MAN 1
Later, after you calm down a little. And I’m sure it will help your state of mind if you stop thinking about death and killing and stuff. So no more serial killers for a while, okay?
MAN 2
Sure.
MAN 1
No more YouTube. Try...try thinking about something nice, like rainbows.
MAN 2
Rainbows.
MAN 1
A distant rainbow after a summer shower. Something nice, in increasing niceness. Go.
MAN 2
(Pause)
Babies.
MAN 1
Puppies.
(Lights start to fade.)
MAN 2
Valentine’s Day.
MAN 1
Christmas.
MAN 2
New Year’s Eve.
MAN 2
Winning the lottery.
MAN 1
Falling in love.
(Lights out.)
(END OF PLAY)
MAN 1
Columbine.
MAN 2
École Polytechnique, Montreal Canada, December 6th, 1989.
MAN 1
Texas. That sniper.
MAN 2
You’re referring, I think, to the University of Texas, August 1st, 1966.
MAN 1
That’s the one. The guy with the buzz cut, from the tower.
MAN 2
Virginia Tech, April 16th, 2007. I win.
MAN 1
Okay.
(He picks up the book.)
MAN 2
Another. Serial killers. Once again, restricted to North America, please, and in increasing order by number of victims.
MAN 1
(puts down book)
Go.
MAN 2
Dennis Rader, the BTK killer.
MAN 1
The Hillside Strangler.
MAN 2
Stranglers, actually. But very good. Let’s see...Richard
Ramirez, the Night Stalker.
MAN 1
The Boston Strangler?
MAN 2
Same number as Ramirez. Try again.
MAN 1
How about Jeffrey Dahmer?
MAN 2
Mm-hm. John Wayne Gacy. The Killer Clown.
MAN 1
Ted Bundy.
MAN 2
Gary Ridgway, The Green River Killer. I win.
MAN 1
You win. I guess.
MAN 2
What does that mean, “I guess”?
MAN 1
I’m guessing that you know more than I do about serial killers.
MAN 2
Well, now that you bring it up, Ted Bundy claimed to kill more than a hundred, much more than Gary Ridgway or any other American serial killer. But this has not been proven. Ridgway, on the other hand, confessed to seventy one, is suspected of around ninety, and was convicted of forty eight, the most in U.S. history. Now Bundy, he was convicted of thirty five, so really I should have clarified this as a “most proven victims” contest. Want a restart?
MAN 1
I’ll give it to you. You win.
MAN 2
I always win.
MAN 1
(picks up book)
You do, don’t you.
MAN 2
You need to try harder.
MAN 1
(reading)
Hmm?
MAN 2
I said you need to try harder.
MAN 1
No matter how hard I try, you’ll always know a grislier school shooting or a more prolific serial killer.
MAN 2
I guess you’re right.
MAN 1
And why is that?
MAN 2
What?
MAN 1
Why is it that you know so much about these things?
MAN 2
Well it’s simple: whenever I need a little dose of reality, whenever I feel I’m getting a little out of touch, you know, a little soft, I read about them. I look at videos on YouTube. War footage, snipers in action, roadside bombings, F1 racecar crashes of the sixties and seventies, Columbine security camera tapes--they have a lot of this. And it helps. It works, immediately.
MAN 1
Why didn’t you join the military?
MAN 2
What for? To get myself killed?
MAN 1
You seem to like killing.
MAN 2
Listen to me, I have never killed a living breathing thing in my entire life.
MAN 1
That’s surprising.
MAN 2
Can you say the same?
MAN 1
Well, no actually. I admit to killing a bird.
MAN 2
A bird? That’s it?
MAN 1
That one bird has bothered me for almost thirty years now.
MAN 2
Tell me about it.
MAN 1
No, I’d rather not.
MAN 2
Go ahead.
MAN 1
No.
MAN 2
Come on, talking about it will help. How else, after almost thirty years of being bothered by it, as you say, will you be able to finally forgive yourself and move on?
MAN 1
Okay, all right.
MAN 2
Take a deep breath.
(Man 1 takes a deep breath.)
MAN 2
Take your time now. Don’t rush, just let the memories come back to you, let the bird fly back, think back, take a deep breath, and tell me all about what happened.
MAN 1
(takes another deep breath)
First we tried to take down a squirrel--“we” being me and my best friend at the time, Eric.
MAN 2
Do I know him?
MAN 1
I don’t think so. May I continue?
MAN 2
Please.
MAN 1
This proved unsuccessful. We were in my backyard, and we were using my dad’s pellet rifle. I don’t know where my parents were--working probably. The funny thing was, Eric held the stock, while I held the barrel and aimed. And we were right under the thing, maybe seven or eight feet away. It sat up on a wire right above us, and we hit it about ten times, right in the butt. It didn’t move. It didn’t even flinch. I pumped and pumped the gun, we hit it in the butt over and over again, the thing didn’t move, and finally we gave up. We went around the yard looking for something else to shoot at. We spotted the bird, a little brown bird up on another wire, and we crouched down under it, just like we did with the squirrel, Eric holding the stock, me holding the barrel, Eric pulled the trigger, and that shot, the first one, it hit the bird right in the head. We watched it sit on the wire for a few seconds, suspended, frozen, and then it keeled over and dropped into a bush. I remember it up on that wire after we hit it, it’s little eyes closed, never to open again, and I remember how my heart sank. We dropped the gun in the grass. I felt sick. We promised each other we’d never shoot at anything ever again. We’d had enough. The next day I went back to the spot to see if it was still there. I was thinking of burying it. But it was gone. Maybe an animal got it or something. Or maybe my neighbor or one of my parents found it. Maybe they buried it. I’ll never know.
MAN 2
Wow.
MAN 1
You know, talking about it has made me feel a lot better.
MAN 2
Did you ever have an imaginary friend when you were little?
MAN 1
Actually, yes I did.
MAN 2
So did my little sister. Her imaginary friend was named Betty.
MAN 1
Betty.
MAN 2
That’s right. This was her second imaginary friend. The first was Jenna. She moved away. Then Betty showed up. Her and my sister were best friends. They did everything together. They played board games together, they watched movies together, they ran around the yard together, they made imaginary meals together, they ran an imaginary grocery store, an imaginary beauty salon, imaginary lemonade stands, real lemonade stands, Kool-Aid, cookies, cupcakes--you name it. My little sister had a very vivid and active imagination. And so did Betty, supposedly. And so did I at her age--but I never had an imaginary friend. That’s where I drew the line, I guess. I’d have lots of imaginary wars, gun battles, grenades, bazookas--but no imaginary friends.
MAN 1
Mine was named Kermit.
MAN 2
The idea bothered me. Betty bothered me. She was always around, she had her own chair at the kitchen table, and from the way my sister chatted with her all the time, she was very bratty, precocious, and she hated my guts.
MAN 1
Were you mean to her?
MAN 2
I tried to ignore her. Maybe that’s why she hated me so much.
MAN 1
What makes you bring this up, by the way?
MAN 2
I think I saw her recently.
MAN 1
Betty?
MAN 2
In the Salvation Army store. I was browsing the book section, and there she was--
MAN 1
Did she come out of a book?
MAN 2
This isn’t funny. She was about ten feet away, looking at furniture.
MAN 1
Do imaginary friends need things like a couch?
MAN 2
Evidently, yes. She seemed to be interested in a media center.
MAN 1
Now that is absurd.
MAN 2
There’s nothing absurd about it. I stood there staring at her for about fifteen minutes.
MAN 1
And she didn’t notice you staring at her?
MAN 2
I pretended to be reading “The Red Badge of Courage,” but I kept an eye on her.
MAN 1
That’s a pretty good book. Did you buy it?
MAN 2
I thought maybe I was hallucinating.
MAN 1
You probably were.
MAN 2
I’m in perfect health.
MAN 1
Maybe it’s your job. You’re probably just a little stressed out.
MAN 2
I’m perfectly unstressed, my job is perfectly unstressful, and not a single person in my family has ever had a history of hallucinations or any other kind of mental disturbance.
MAN 1
Maybe you ate something funky. Mold can cause hallucinations.
MAN 2
I tell you I saw her!
MAN 1
Okay, you saw her. But how did you know it was her? How did you know what she looks like?
MAN 2
I had a feeling. A very strong feeling.
MAN 1
That it was Betty. Checking out a media center in a Salvation Army.
MAN 2
That it was none other than Betty.
(He stands up, paces around slowly.)
MAN 2
And that’s strange, because I thought I strangled her to death a long time ago.
(Man 1 watches him, unsure what to say.)
MAN 2
Maybe I didn’t kill her. Maybe she survived.
MAN 1
Maybe you should let it go. Your sister--
MAN 2
My sister never recovered. She had another imaginary friend for a bit--I can’t remember her name--but it wasn’t the same. My sister was never the same.
MAN 1
I’m sure she’s forgiven you by now.
MAN 2
I don’t know. I don’t think so.
MAN 1
Betty--she’s probably forgiven you.
MAN 2
I should have tried talking to her. I could have invited her over.
MAN 1
It’s done. Don’t dwell on it. She probably has her own life, different friends, you have your own life, an unstressful job...
MAN 2
I could have apologized.
MAN 1
You told me about it--doesn’t that make you feel a little better?
MAN 2
Worse.
MAN 1
I think it's time you said "bye" to Betty. Just try to let her go.
MAN 2
(sits down)
I’ll try. At least she’s alive.
MAN 1
That’s right. Betty is alive and well, no reason to worry, no reason to feel guilty.
MAN 2
I should call my sister.
MAN 1
Later, after you calm down a little. And I’m sure it will help your state of mind if you stop thinking about death and killing and stuff. So no more serial killers for a while, okay?
MAN 2
Sure.
MAN 1
No more YouTube. Try...try thinking about something nice, like rainbows.
MAN 2
Rainbows.
MAN 1
A distant rainbow after a summer shower. Something nice, in increasing niceness. Go.
MAN 2
(Pause)
Babies.
MAN 1
Puppies.
(Lights start to fade.)
MAN 2
Valentine’s Day.
MAN 1
Christmas.
MAN 2
New Year’s Eve.
MAN 2
Winning the lottery.
MAN 1
Falling in love.
(Lights out.)
(END OF PLAY)
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
Billy Jack vs. Dolemite--Who Wins?
The two toughest movie heroes meet on a dark, dirty, crime-infested city street. This street can only hold one deliverer of hope and justice, and a battle to the death ensues--Who Will Win this War will be determined by 4 skill sets: Hand-to-hand combat; Weapons skills; Shit-talking/threat deliverance; Luck/Magic/Outside help.
HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT:
DOLEMITE
Dolemite seems to know karate and uses crude yet powerful hand chops and side kicks to take on three, then two white cop opponents. His strength here lies in sudden outbursts of attack, going from smooth cold hate to flash fire frenzy in less than a heartbeat.
Here are some pics of Dolemite in action:
BILLY JACK
It takes at least ten men to physically take down Billy Jack. He has real karate training, even more real than Dolemite. His karate chops are faster, and his kicks are unrivaled. Like Dolemite, B.J. relies on sudden outbursts of vengeful rage, outbursts that, in the end, are even more deadly than Dolemite's.
Billy Jack at work:
ADVANTAGE: BILLY JACK
WEAPONS SKILLS:
DOLEMITE
Dolemite is a master of high-calibre machine guns. See him and one of his victims:
BILLY JACK
Billy Jack is an ace rifleman and doesn't miss an opportunity to test his abilities. We must assume, I suppose, that he's proficient in many weapon types since he does, after all, have military experience.
ADVANTAGE: DOLEMITE Since we really have no evidence showing Billy Jack with anything other than rifle expertise, Dolemite and his machine gun come out on top.
SHIT-TALKING/THREAT DELIVERANCE:
DOLEMITE
Between the two masters of making threats I think Billy Jack is a somewhat superior deliverer, but when it comes to shit-talking, Dolemite shines. That gives him the advantage here.
Billy Jacks threatens Mr. Stuart Posner and his crew of thugs, then Billy Jack threatens Bernard Posner and Dinosaur, then Billy Jack threatens Bernard again after finding him with a 13 year old:
DOLEMITE
I will let the pictures do the talking here:
ADVANTAGE: DOLEMITE
LUCK/MAGIC/OUTSIDE HELP:
BILLY JACK
It's here that Billy Jack rules supreme. He is part Indian and has undergone many ancient tribal rituals. He carries a holy medicine bag. Also, he has the help of the kids of the Freedom School to aid him, and he has Jean and her love for him.
Some of the kids:
Billy Jack with his medicine bag, long after he has been shot in the stomach.
DOLEMITE
Here Dolemite has Queen Bee's girls, trained in Kung-Fu, to back him up. They are also prostitutes. Or dancers.
ADVANTAGE: BILLY JACK
OVERALL WINNER: BILLY JACK
His magical Indian heritage really puts him over the top. In a modestly fair fight, Billy Jack would beat Dolemite.
HAND-TO-HAND COMBAT:
DOLEMITE
Dolemite seems to know karate and uses crude yet powerful hand chops and side kicks to take on three, then two white cop opponents. His strength here lies in sudden outbursts of attack, going from smooth cold hate to flash fire frenzy in less than a heartbeat.
Here are some pics of Dolemite in action:
BILLY JACK
It takes at least ten men to physically take down Billy Jack. He has real karate training, even more real than Dolemite. His karate chops are faster, and his kicks are unrivaled. Like Dolemite, B.J. relies on sudden outbursts of vengeful rage, outbursts that, in the end, are even more deadly than Dolemite's.
Billy Jack at work:
ADVANTAGE: BILLY JACK
WEAPONS SKILLS:
DOLEMITE
Dolemite is a master of high-calibre machine guns. See him and one of his victims:
BILLY JACK
Billy Jack is an ace rifleman and doesn't miss an opportunity to test his abilities. We must assume, I suppose, that he's proficient in many weapon types since he does, after all, have military experience.
ADVANTAGE: DOLEMITE Since we really have no evidence showing Billy Jack with anything other than rifle expertise, Dolemite and his machine gun come out on top.
SHIT-TALKING/THREAT DELIVERANCE:
DOLEMITE
Between the two masters of making threats I think Billy Jack is a somewhat superior deliverer, but when it comes to shit-talking, Dolemite shines. That gives him the advantage here.
Billy Jacks threatens Mr. Stuart Posner and his crew of thugs, then Billy Jack threatens Bernard Posner and Dinosaur, then Billy Jack threatens Bernard again after finding him with a 13 year old:
DOLEMITE
I will let the pictures do the talking here:
ADVANTAGE: DOLEMITE
LUCK/MAGIC/OUTSIDE HELP:
BILLY JACK
It's here that Billy Jack rules supreme. He is part Indian and has undergone many ancient tribal rituals. He carries a holy medicine bag. Also, he has the help of the kids of the Freedom School to aid him, and he has Jean and her love for him.
Some of the kids:
Billy Jack with his medicine bag, long after he has been shot in the stomach.
DOLEMITE
Here Dolemite has Queen Bee's girls, trained in Kung-Fu, to back him up. They are also prostitutes. Or dancers.
ADVANTAGE: BILLY JACK
OVERALL WINNER: BILLY JACK
His magical Indian heritage really puts him over the top. In a modestly fair fight, Billy Jack would beat Dolemite.
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